Traitor
by BabyBird
Summary: How does Yolei feel about being in love with the enemy? I suppose you could call this a Kaiyako, but I wouldn't simply because it is one sided. I love the idea of the Emperor/Yolei, and there just aren't enough of them, Darn it!!


gina 'Hayo! Another Yolei romance fic from your truly. If you didn't read the summary, this is a one-sided fic about   
Yolei's feelings towards Ken when they discover that he is the Emperor. I really am working on "Something to Tell You"   
I swear! Baby_Bird's just battling a little case of writers block at the moment, hopefully I'll be over it soon.   
  
  


Traitor. 

That's how I see myself now. I'm not sure why, I have done no wrong. 

Except fallen in love with our sworn mortal enemy. What's the matter   
with me? I remind myself constantly about all the evil things he's done.   
I find myself watching Poromon sleep, thinking about what would happen   
to him if he were ever to be captured by the Emperor. I think about the   
beautiful   
world that he is ruining with those damned spires and all the pain that   
he is causing everyone. We have been chosen by some unseen power, called   
out of our very universe just to battle him. 

And yet for some reason I just can't bring myself to care. 

I have no desire to fight, I haven't from the very start. But when some   
beam of light places a strange device into your hands that opens up a   
gate to a parallel universe filled with thousands of other living creatures,   
how can you turn your back? 

Of course, I really did it for my friends. I've always been one to please.   
But how do you measure your friends against your love? 

My love... 

Such a rush when I whisper those words- a mixture of ecstasy and horrible   
guilt at the same time. I don't think I am worthy of my crest of "love".   
I think I have corrupted it. They call him evil. Maybe I am too? I'm   
so scared sometimes. And when I'm not, I'm lonely. 

The others knew I was...star-struck with the famous Ichijouji Ken. But   
they believed that all those feelings disappeared when we found out the   
truth. 

They didn't. 

To my disgust, they grew stronger. Before I had felt for Ken a girlish   
admiration of his undeniably gorgeous looks, and awe. Now I was so curious   
as   
to why someone so seemingly upright as Ken could do such abominable things.   
I began to watch him closely. Examined his cold smirk and eyes. At times,   
I   
was grateful he wore those concealing sunglasses. The cruelty slowly   
turning to madness in them frightened me so. Other times I longed to   
stare   
into   
those icy blue ponds of evil. 

God's, what would the others think if they could here my twisted thoughts?   
Perhaps I too am going mad... 

I feel his sorrow. How I wish to tell the   
rest of the Digidestined this. Ken is not some control freak, he is tortured,   
lonely. Like me. 

They wouldn't believe me anyway, even if I could somehow work up the   
courage   
to tell them. That's another thing I see when I look in the mirror. A   
coward. I want to talk to Ken, I want to tell him how I feel. I want   
to ask him what I should do. But really, how could anyone be expected   
to do that? I remember when my sisters had "crushes", they would giggle   
nervously whenever particular male would call. They didn't have   
the nerve to confess their feelings to an average classmate, whom they   
saw and conversed with   
daily. How can I ask of myself the courage to tell someone who hates   
me so, the way I feel? 

Yes, on top of everything I'm feeling now, all the self-loathing and   
disgust, the one who I am surrendering my sanity to, would rather have   
me dead then alive. 

I don't think anyone else on this earth knows the pain of that knowledge. 

God, I hate them sometimes. My "teammates". They see themselves as "good"   
people. I don't think such people exist. And if they do, I think they   
must avoid love like the plague. I know I would, if I could. When I was   
a child- wait, I suppose I still am a child. What has happened to me?   
I feel like I have aged a thousand years. It feels like an eternity has   
passed since I last felt happiness. 

I have fooled them all. I now throw myself into battle. It's only when   
I stop fighting that the stinging sets in. Never in the Digital World,   
it's only at night in my own bed that the burning tears come.   


You want to know something funny? I hate to destroy those spires. Weird,   
isn't it? I never had a problem with it before I knew... It was so much   
easier when I didn't have to think of The Emperor as a person. Just an   
adversary that had to be defeated. Now, when I watch the dark towers   
crumble to the ground, even as I call out my cheers of 'victory' I can't   
help but feel guilty once more. I can't help but think to myself as a   
bullie at the beach, knocking over a child's sand-castle. I think about   
all the work that went into creating what we have destroyed in thirty   
seconds. Where does my loyalty lie? 

I couldn't be loyal to Ken, even if, in some twisted way, I wanted to.   
And yet, I no longer see myself as loyal to the Digidestined. I heard   
Tai talking to Davis the other day. The two unwritten, unquestioned leaders.   
I don't know why I didn't realize it before, I don't know what I was   
thinking. But I was sick to my stomach to discover that our goal was   
to destroy him. Of course, neither *wants* to do this, they were, in   
fact, discussing how badly they want to find 'another way'. But it doesn't   
matter. They would do it. 

It occurred to me that they probably assumed that I knew this all along.   
I suppose they took my arriving in the Digital World again as a sign   
of my consent, but it was not so. There are a lot of things that I do   
not know, but I know in my heart that if it comes to being loyal to my   
'team' by destroying the one I love, I will betray them. 

Forgive me.   
  
  


Hope you liked! In case you couldn't tell, this was written to sort of inspire more Kaiyako fics. There are some really good ones out there,   
but there's hardly any! It's a shame because they are my favorite type of fanfic at the moment... 

Anyway, if you *don't* plan on writing any Kaiser romance any time soon, could you at least write me a review? Puhleeeeeze?? 


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